When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
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Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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