Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be naked everywhere
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
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