I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
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Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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