Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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