You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
try to milk me bitch
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