guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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