i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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