I think my fart just growled at me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
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Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
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No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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