We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The beer is more important than you right now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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