Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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