You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize