Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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