i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
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You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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