VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
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he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
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I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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