his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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