My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
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All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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