i used baking grease as lip gloss
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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