I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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