Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
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You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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