i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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