my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
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Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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