Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
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he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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