I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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