The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
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I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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