Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
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its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
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i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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