I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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