So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
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I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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