He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
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He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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