I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize