Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
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So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
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There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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