When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
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American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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