please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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