you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he thought i was a dude.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize