he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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