Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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