Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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