You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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