Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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