If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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