I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize