my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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