my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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