Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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