i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
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why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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