The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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