Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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