Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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