My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize