Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
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you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
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How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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