I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
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I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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